Strategies for the Thanksgiving Estate Planning Conversation

Thanksgiving.  A time for food, football, and family.

When families gather – particularly when multiple generations gather – it is not unusual for younger generations to broach the subject (sometimes after a glass of wine or two) about estate planning. We know this because, at Bulman Dunie, our phones seem to ring a little bit more frequently in the week or two after Thanksgiving from clients who want a refresher on their estate plan.

Usually, these conversations come from a good place – a concern that mom and dad have taken care of important legal decisions that could cause great complications if not resolved.

But even the most good-intentioned conversations can be awkward, or worse.

Here are a few strategies for a Thanksgiving estate planning conversation if the topic comes up over your holiday weekend:

You Don’t Have to Share Details

If you are being asked about your estate planning, you have absolutely no legal obligation to share details of your plan or copies of the documents. You certainly can, if you’d like, but be mindful of the fact that most of your estate planning documents are capable of modification and sharing details or copies of the documents can create expectations. Instead, offer reassurance that you have an estate plan, let your family member know where the documents are in the event of an emergency, and perhaps share the contact information for the planning attorney in case of emergency.

Don’t Push for Details

The flip side of this equation is that one sure way to make a conversation about a loved one’s estate plan awkward is to press for details. And it can be tempting to do so. After all, you may well want to know what your role is expected to be when mom or dad gets sick or passes away. You may want reassurance that there isn’t a sibling being excluded from the estate plan so that there is less likely to be family drama. Here, we recommend you give space. Take the information you are given. You can ask mom or dad to simply confirm that they have an Advance Medical Directive, a Financial Power of Attorney, and a Will or Trust, without asking for details of those documents. From attorneys who receive calls from parents who feel interrogated by children about an estate plan, children should understand that what seem to you like innocent important questions can be interpreted as control.

Listen. 

If you’re the parent, does your conversation reveal any conflict between your children? If so, might this bear on their ability to jointly make decisions together if that is what your current plan requires? Does your conversation reveal anything about a child or grandchild that you might not have known? And if so, might this bear on your desire to increase protection to a child’s inheritance from creditors or divorce?

If you’re the child, do your best to let your parents control the conversation. If Mom or Dad volunteers information to you that you have a role to play under a Financial Power of Attorney, Will, or Trust, ask a follow-up question to confirm that they have prepared a “financial cheat sheet” for you if you ever need to serve and that the cheat sheet is with the documents. If Mom or Dad offers information about their plan that gives you some cause for concern (i.e., joint decision-making by folks who don’t work well together), think about how best to share that concern in a way that won’t be construed as an attack on the decision.

What if Mom and Dad Don’t Have an Estate Plan?

Much has been written about the nuances of aging and, in particular, when the (now-adult) children become the ones guiding their parents to make important decisions. If Mom and Dad don’t have an estate plan, first of all, don’t freak out. Don’t make them feel neglectful for not attending to this matter. Instead, focus on their legacy. Perhaps stress to them about how their death or illness could be remembered as a time of significant family conflict and stress if they haven’t completed an Advance Medical Directive, Financial Power of Attorney, or Will. Empathize with them that these concepts are hard to think about and even harder to want to pay an attorney to handle. But offer reassurance that even a simple and relatively inexpensive estate plan can best ensure family harmony at what will be a time of heartache. And yes, you can help Mom and Dad find an attorney.

Contact the estate planning team at Bulman Dunie if we can be of assistance to you or your parents in reviewing an existing estate plan or creating an estate plan.